I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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