Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
