Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
