I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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