You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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