just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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