Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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