Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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