And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
