Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
