i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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