...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am naked and annoyed.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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