There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
