he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
