we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
