Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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