Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
