I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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