I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
