Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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