you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
