You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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