I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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