I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
