Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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