what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize