I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Randomize