how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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