Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
