so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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