do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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