oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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