Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
