Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
