I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
