We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
