i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
