how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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