he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
