going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
