I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
