im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
