I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
