the condom got lost in my hair
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
