I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
