Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
A+ Viking dick
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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