i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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