Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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