How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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