this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
