His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
