There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You don't make any sense
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