I cannot find my penis.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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