this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
