pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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