I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
