glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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