i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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