I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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