Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
