she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
