Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
