if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
