The maid of honor just puked.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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